


A Learned Misbehavior

by sciencefictioness



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating, Divorce, Infidelity, M/M, Student Eren Yeager, Teacher Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Teacher-Student Relationship, This Is Not A Kinky Student/Teacher Kind Of Thing, This Is Probably Not The Teacher Levi/Student Eren You Were Looking For, Underage - Freeform, Wow This Got Shady Fast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-04-25 11:58:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4959754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sciencefictioness/pseuds/sciencefictioness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren has been Levi's student for a while now, and it's obvious to Levi that the boy has feelings for him.  He's been keeping Eren at arms length, refusing to give in.  Levi is married, and is Eren's teacher.  There are a thousand reasons he should keep saying no.  But he doesn't know how much longer he can carry on this way, because Eren has somehow wormed his way into Levi's life, and it won't be the same once those bright eyes aren't looking at him anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Small Crime

There was a tugging sensation on Levi's arm, and he did not need to look to know who stood there. He closed his eyes for a moment, steeling himself, before turning to face his student. Eren was there, face serious and determined, and he did not need to speak the words. Levi could hear them already, in their various forms and phrases. Did not want to hear them. Not again.

"Will you go over this week's material with me tonight? I'm having trouble with some of the formulas. I can come to your house at seven." 

He never should have agreed to tutor the boy. Levi had been teaching a long time, but he should have known better, even if none of his students had ever looked at him that way. He'd seen it with other students, other teachers, and it never ended well. But Eren Jaeger had blindsided him somehow, and now a few times a week he sat at Levi's kitchen table. Papers spread out in front of him, going over equations and numbers. Sometimes he would have Levi read over his English essays. He marked those smooth, unmarred pages in streaks of red, and it felt like he was marking Eren, too. Sullying him in some way, every time Levi caught those green eyes lingering on him when they should be on his work. Yet whenever Eren asked in that earnest voice, Levi always answered the same way.

The wrong way.

"Sure thing, Eren. Bring your history report, and I can read through it while you go over problems."

The boy used to smile when he agreed, wide and bright, too much to look at. Now, he just nodded gravely, a soldier given orders to carry out. Orders he was determined to follow, no matter the cost, and part of Levi wondered what exactly it was costing him. 

A few hours later, and Eren was in his spot at Levi's table. No one else ever sat there, just him. Hange was never home from the labs until long after Levi was in bed, and he could not even remember the last time they'd eaten a meal there. No holidays spent sitting across from each other, no birthday celebrations. Not Thanksgiving, not Christmas. Their table had seen no cake, no feasts, no company. 

All that ever rested on its surface were Eren's elbows, hands moving over his work, slow and deliberate. Week after week, month after month, the boy etched himself into the wood, until Eren belonged in this house more surely than Levi's wife. His place at the table, the cup he always drank from, the corner where he left his shoes. The chair his jacket rested on, the furrows he absently rubbed into the carpet with his socked feet. Even when he was gone, Eren left pieces of himself behind, and Levi hated himself more and more each time he caught himself staring at the remnants of this boy.

Now those green eyes were locked on Levi, and he couldn't have said just how long they'd been caught in each others gaze. It felt like Levi had spent an eternity under those gemstone eyes since the beginning of the previous school year. Eren always looking, always smiling, always blushing. Toying with his fingers in a way that made Levi ache in his chest. Biting that lip, and something shuddered inside of him, ragged and broken. Eren had been his student his sophomore year as well, as Levi taught more than one grade level, and part of him had been hoping the kid would be assigned to a different teacher for his time as a junior.

Another part of him, a darker part, had been savagely relieved when he saw the name Jaeger on his class roster in August. He'd thought, _yes, mine again,_ and then when he realized his thoughts Levi drank himself into unconsciousness. Hange had helped him to bed when she finally got home, and now that Levi thought about it, that was probably the last time she'd touched him. When he tried to pull up another memory of them together, a brush of their hands, a kiss on the cheek, he came up empty. They lived like satellites, circling each other in the same sky, orbits never crossing. She'd called him an idiot as she helped him stagger into their bedroom, and he had not argued.

Levi knew just how foolish he was. Especially now, looking at Eren across the table as though he was lost, begging to be found again. The boy reached out, and those hot fingers brushed Levi's knuckles, slowly easing down his hand. Until Eren was holding it in his own, thumb running back and forth across Levi's palm, never dropping his gaze.

Then Eren pulled their hands up to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss to Levi's pale skin, and suddenly he could not breathe. His heart stuttered wild in his chest, an animal writhing in his gut, and he did not move away. Levi's lips trembled before he spoke, betraying him in a basic way, and he wanted to tear them from his face.

"No, Eren." Eren's mouth curved into the most broken smile Levi had ever seen, and he was the worst person on earth. Nothing so sad should be so fucking _beautiful._ Shouldn't make desire shoot through him, harsh and unmerciful. Levi felt Eren's lips moving against his flesh, his breath hot on Levi's knuckles.

"I know. I... I know."

 _If you know, then teach me._ Levi knew nothing of the sort. Not anymore, not when he went to bed at night hollow and alone. In those moments where he used to think of Hange, and her long hair in his face and the quiet sounds of her snores, when he missed her so much he could taste it....

Now in the quiet stillness of his bed, Levi thought of Eren. Wondered what he smelled like, how he tasted. How those long, strong arms would feel wrapped around him, those pink lips greedy on his throat. Rough, and demanding, because if Levi ever let Eren close, he would not be gentle. Not after being held back for so long, and alone in his room Levi found himself shaking with want.

Eren would devour him. Instead of feeling like a fantasy, it felt inevitable. A sun that would rise, leaves that would fall, oceans rolling in with the tide.

A boy with green eyes and sharp teeth laying Levi bare, and once he was breathless and quaking, he'd be swallowed whole.


	2. Passenger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I lay,  
> still and breathless.  
> Just like always.  
> Still, I want some more.
> 
> Mirrors sideways.  
> Who cares what's behind?  
> Just like always,  
> still your passenger.
> 
> Chrome buttons,  
> buckles and leather surfaces.  
> These and other  
> lucky witnesses. 
> 
> Now to calm me,  
> and this time won't you please...
> 
> Drive faster.
> 
> Roll the windows down,  
> this cool night air is curious.  
> Let the whole world look in,  
> who cares who sees anything.
> 
> I'm your passenger.  
> I'm your passenger.
> 
> Drop these down and  
> put them on me.  
> Nice cool seats, their  
> to cushion your knees.
> 
> Now to calm me.  
> Take me 'round again.  
> Don't pull over.  
> This time would you please...
> 
> Drive faster.
> 
> Roll the windows down,  
> this cool night air is curious.  
> Let the whole world look in,  
> who cares who sees what tonight.  
> Roll these misty windows  
> down to catch my breath, and then
> 
> go and go and go just drive me home  
> and back again.
> 
> Here I lay.  
> Just like always.  
> Go, go, go, go, go, go...
> 
> Take me to the edge.
> 
>  
> 
> -Deftones ft. Maynard James Keenan, Passenger

"I can't really talk right now, Levi.  I'm pretty swamped over here.  What's gotten into you lately?"

Levi had called Hange at work almost every day for two weeks, and gotten some variation of the same answer.  _'I'm busy, we're overloaded, I can't talk now.'_   But there never seemed to be a time when she could talk, and she didn't call him back.  Levi tried to stay up late, wait for her to get home, but all that earned him was a night of sleeping on the couch when he inevitably fell asleep there.  She didn't bother to move him when she finally made it back, sometimes throwing a blanket over him.  Sometimes not.  Their schedules clashed, and he knew she was doing important work, but it seemed like she didn't want to make an effort.  Even Levi knew it wasn't totally her fault, just his guilt ridden mind trying to lay blame for something that was his burden to bear.  He hadn't directly spoken with her about it either.  What was he supposed to say?

_I think about a sixteen year old boy when I lay in our bed at night.  I imagine what it would be like if he kissed me, if he touched me.  I want him to, and yet I am terrified._

Because if he talked to her, a part of him realized they might fix things.  Get closer together, heal the broken parts of their relationships.  

When it dawned on Levi that he did not want to fix things between them, he'd felt so nauseated he ran to bathroom.  Lost his guts in the toilet, until he was throwing up nothing but bile and sweating all over.  He was twenty eight years old, and he'd been with Hange since the graduated high school.

But all that he could see when he closed his eyes was a kid too young to smoke, too young to drink.  One who needed help with his fucking math formulas, because he was probably dyslexic but would never admit there was a problem.  One who forgot to put his shoes on half the time before he headed out the door.  One who listened to shitty music, and watched stupid movies, and had bad taste in art.  Who touched Levi's hands now, and sometimes pressed his face into those black locks and breathed in as though there was air nowhere else on earth.  A boy that tangled their feet together under the table, toes curling around Levi's ankles, begging with those eyes of his, _don't pull away._

One who looked at Levi like he was the whole world.  Better than the moon, brighter than the stars.  

Who was headed over to Levi's house that very moment, and suddenly he felt desperate.  His chest was tight, and he couldn't breathe, and Hange was saying something now, and it took a few moments for his brain to process.

"Are you sick, Levi?"

 _Yes.  Yes, I'm sick.  Please save me, without my asking.  Know, somehow.  Stop me from doing this._   None of those words came out, though.  His teeth were gritted, and he bit sounds out through them in clipped, sharp syllables.

"Yeah.  I think maybe I am.  I'll see you tomorrow, Zoe."  

For a moment, in passing.  As she laid in bed, stretched out on the edge, as far away from Levi as she could get.  Hange was a wild sleeper, and if he got too close, once she was really out it was all elbows and knees.  He would look at her for long moments once he got up, as he had every morning since Eren pressed those lips to his palm.  The way her hair splayed out on their pillows, glasses sitting on the nightstand catching the morning light.  Face slack and loose in sleep, and even if he was too far away, Levi knew she smelled like cinnamon.  Could feel it in his nose, the spice of her scent.  He reached down inside himself, trying to find something other than familiarity.  Searching for some strong emotion, more than nostalgia or affection.  Levi needed to love her, needed it with a ferocity that astounded him.  Needed it with all that he was.  All that he knew.

What he found was nothing more than a heart that still beat, lungs moving up and down, telling Levi he was breathing.  There was nothing left inside for Hange, and he knew it was his own fault.  He'd given it away without realizing, piece by piece.

Eren had every one, and did not even know it.  

If Levi was lucky, he would never know.  When he came to Levi's house that day, the cold of December blowing through the door and biting at his skin, he turned Eren away.  WIth eyes full of stones and smoke in his lungs, Levi told Eren to go home.  The boy looked at him in disbelief, brows furrowing together.

"When can I come back?"  _Don't go.  Don't listen to me.  Stay here.  Touch me with those hands that are too hot to be real._   As though Eren had a fever, and Levi wanted to be burned.

"You can't come back, Eren.  This can't go on."

His face would be burned into Levi's memory until they put him in the ground, nothing but bones and skin.  It would play out over his eyelids for eternity, haunting his ghost.  Green eyes clouded with an ache he felt in chest, and Eren reached out towards Levi, but he was too slow.

Levi closed the door, cutting of the chill of the outdoors, and he waited for the weight to lift from his shoulders.  He'd done the right thing, pushed this boy away, and now maybe Eren could get on with his life.  Find someone his own age, forget about Levi.  Go to college.  Make bad decisions that he would tell his kids about later, a smile on his face as he bounced some grandchild on his knee.  There was no other choice, no other way, and Levi waited for relief to come.

Waited and waited, but it never came. 

.................................................................

Hange was off for a handful of days during Christmas break, the first time Levi had actually spent more than a few hours with her since summer ended.  She slept almost all of the first day, which was Christmas eve, and even as fucked up as he was inside, Levi could not blame her.  The brunette worked brutal hours slaving away in a lab, and though she adored her work, it had to be exhausting.  When Levi woke up on Christmas day she was already in the kitchen, a huge mess surrounding her.  There were eggshells on the counter, flour on her face, but she was not making breakfast.  Hange was making cookies at eight in the morning, and Levi was in no way surprised.

"Happy birthday, Levi!"  

She let out a huge grin, but did not stop in her cooking.  The light was shining in the window, making her wild hair light up auburn.  Hange was so alive, laughing as she spilled sugar on the countertop, pinching Levi's cheek and getting dough on it.  She giggled as he batted her hand away, and looking at her was painful suddenly.

Hange was vibrant, and beautiful, and more than Levi had any right to ask for.

In that moment, he knew he did not love her.  Not as he should.  Not anymore, and he hated himself all over again.  

Even that hatred didn't stop him from thinking of Eren.  Wondering if the boy was thinking of him, too.  Did he even remember that it was Levi's birthday?  There was no reason he should.  When his phone went off he knew somehow, and Levi tried not to look.  He gave in astonishingly fast, and the words scrolling across his screen were a knife in his gut.

**Eren Jaeger:  Happy birthday, Levi.  Merry Christmas.**

Levi wrenched his eyes closed, his phone suddenly heavy in his hand.  He did not reply, and his mouth tasted like ashes the rest of the day.

Weeks passed by, months, monotonous and the only thing that changed was Levi.  

Despising himself more with every passing moment, and forever fighting to keep his gaze off those bright eyes.

...................................................................

It was the last day of March when his phone rang, and the name flashing across it should not have made Levi's heart shudder in his chest.  The call display told him it was ten at night, and there was no good reason for Eren to be calling him like that.  Levi taught him at school, and answered his questions, and did everything just right.  The boy's grades were dropping, not just in Levi's class but in all his subjects.  It would be worth it for both of them in the end.  One day soon, he would stop thinking of Eren's mouth on his knuckles, the boy's face in his hair.  Levi's dreams would not be filled with flashes of tan skin and the sound of that rough voice calling his name.  If he was patient, and determined, everything about Eren would melt away into nothingness, and Levi could be free.

A little emptier, with a hollow place inside, but not a monster.  Not on the outside, at least.

He ignored the way Eren stared at him during class, gaze boring into Levi's back with eyes that were on fire.  He pretended not to notice those lips trembling sometimes, just before Eren made a fist and looked away.  Deleted all the messages he got those first few weeks.  _What did I do?  I'm sorry, Levi.  Let me come back.  I'll be good._

Levi deleted the messages, but he didn't block Eren's number, or change his own.  So when it rang out, louder than Levi thought possible in the emptiness of his living room, the boy's name flashed bright and unmistakable.

_Eren Jaeger_

He told himself not to answer, but it was too late for that.  Levi's hand moved on its own, and then the phone was to his ear, though his mouth was not working.  

"Levi?"  Eren sounded absolutely wrecked, and Levi sat up with worry arcing through his veins.

"Eren?  Are you okay?"  He heard the boy's breathing hitch, a sniffling sound following close after.

"C-Can you come get me Levi?  I'm at Jean's, and it's supposed to be my birthday party but everyone's already trashed and I just want to get out of here.  I can't stay with them.  I can't, and Mikasa and Armin are studying and I can't bother them.  Please, Levi."

He could not have said no to that voice, not if his life depended on it, and a half hour later Eren climbed into his car.  Someone was on the porch of Jean's house, waving their arms and shouting at him, but Eren ignored them.  Looked at Levi instead, eyes wet and cheeks red, but he smiled.  

"Th-thank you for doing this.  You didn't... you didn't have to.  I appreciate it."  All Levi could do was stare, eating up the boy with his eyes, starved for the sight of him.  Then a thought crossed his mind, and he was furrowing his brows at the boy.

"Are you drunk?"  Eren shook his head, wiping at his face with hands that shook.

"No, no, I didn't drink anything.  Everyone else's trashed, though, and they're all loud and obnoxious and I just... I can't force myself be happy right now.  I need to get out of there, and my Dad is gone as usual.  Mikasa and Armin are so busy, and I didn't know who else to call.  I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize.  It's no trouble."  

But it was.  Levi wanted to reach out wipe those stray tears from his cheeks.  Wanted to ask why he'd been crying, even though he knew the answer.  Was the answer, most likely.  The words were on his tongue, in his mouth, and he bit them back with sharp teeth.  Eren was looking at Levi, waiting, but he just shook his head and started driving.  He listened to the boy's quiet, ragged breaths, sharp and staccato.  It was the way you took in air when you were desperately trying not to sob, and Levi felt his lungs trying to collapse at the sound.  Once he got halfway to the kid's house, winding down the heavily wooded backroads, Eren touched his arm, pointing to a stand of trees nearby.

"Can you pull over for a few minutes?  Let me try and get my shit together before I go home, in case Armin and Mikasa are in the living room instead of in her bedroom?"

Levi eased his car into the trees, killing the engine and lights as he did so.  The last thing he needed was someone spotting them there, sitting on the side of the road.  Eren rolled his window down, letting the soft breeze blow strands of his hair away from his forehead.  Then the boy closed his eyes, burying his face in his hands and leaning forward.  He shuddered, voice coming out muffled through his fingertips.

"I'm sorry.  I'm pathetic.  I just..."  Eren turned his head to the side, looking at Levi through damp eyelashes.  "I really miss you, Levi."  Levi's body was traitorous, and his hand reached out on its own to brush some of those soft locks away from Eren's eyes.

"You see me everyday."  Eren grabbed Levi's hand, holding it against his face, grip painfully tight.  Levi didn't mind.  Didn't want him to let go.

"But you don't look at me anymore."  _I do.  When you're not looking, I do._

"I can't look at you anymore, Eren."  The brunet kissed Levi's fingers, heaving out another rough lungful of air.

"Why not?"  Levi frowned, a strange sound trying to bubble up from his throat instead of words.

"You know why not."  That perfect face twisted up with anguish, but he did not look away.  Let his gaze bore into Levi, sharper than a blade.  Eren's fingers were on fire against Levi's skin.

"Tell me anyway."  He didn't want to.  Admitting something out loud made it real, made everything Levi was feeling more than some abstract concept.  Something he could no longer run from.  Could no longer deny.  But Eren looked fucking _broken,_ and Levi couldn't let the boy think it was only him.

Because Levi was broken, too, and there was a loneliness in it that made him want to scream.  His voice sounded loud in the silence of the car, no rumbling of the engine or air conditioner to soften his words.

"Because I don't just want to look at you.  I want more than that, and it's not..."  He was going to say it wasn't right.  But it _felt_ right, and his mouth wouldn't form the word.  "I'm married.  You're my student.  You're sixteen!"  Eren sat up, still clinging to Levi's hand like a lifeline.

"I'm seventeen now."  It hung between them, poison in the air.  They were both silent, and Levi did not have to wonder why.  _Seventeen._   Seventeen was legal.  Seventeen was the age of consent.  But that did not make what Levi desired less wrong.  Just because the boy was an adult by law did not mean everything was suddenly okay.  One day did not make a difference. Levi was still married.  Still his teacher.  Still an adult, who wanted to pull this boy into his arms and tell him how perfect he was, how beautiful, and how smart.

That he deserved someone so much better than Levi.  Younger, and brighter.  More alive, in ways that Levi could not articulate.  He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he did not notice Eren had moved.  When Levi looked up the brunet was so close he could feel him breathe.  Soft air washing over his skin, warm and vital.  Eren reached up and touched Levi's face, thumb dancing across his bottom lip, and he was begging before he even spoke.   His eyes and his hands and his mouth, all pleading with Levi.  

"Please, Levi.  Just _once._ "  His voice broke around the word, desperate and full of pain.  "Just once.  I dream about you every night, and I wake up and I... I see you _every day,_ and you're right there but you're still so far away.  I'm failing my classes and I can't sleep for shit and sometimes when I'm alone I can't fucking _breathe._   I know I don't deserve you, but-"  Levi couldn't let him finish his sentence.

He kissed Eren, the dark of the woods looming outside his car, silent and still save the gentle breeze that pulled at their hair.  Threatening to blow apart all they were, and all it would take was the slightest push. Levi kissed him, and he felt the boy's arms wrap around him, strong and fierce.  Demanding, just as his lips were demanding, hungry and toothy on Levi's own.  Eren kept kissing him, tongue delving, seeking, tasting every inch of Levi's mouth.  Levi had to fight him to pull back, and even then the brunet followed, trying to take his lips again.

"You deserve better than me, Eren.  Better than this."  Eren's fingers were in Levi's hair then, pulling on the raven strands, tugging him in closer.

"I don't  care what I deserve.  I want _you,_ Levi.  Let me have you, just one time.  Please."

Levi didn't answer, but he let Eren pull him into the backseat.  Let the boy press him into the leather, tugging his clothes off with hands that were too eager to be graceful.  Eren did not try to seduce, or romance.  There was raw desperation in every movement, nails sharp as he pulled of Levi's pants, knees rough as they shoved his thighs apart.  Once he was naked underneath Eren, moonlight filtering through the trees to throw eerie patterns across the boy's face, he sighed.  Then he laid down on top of his teacher, face buried in Levi's neck, every inch of them connected.  Those strong arms squeezed him tight, and Levi squeezed him back, unwilling to let this boy think he was just going through the motions.  Levi was not simply allowing Eren what he wanted to placate him.

He wanted this, too.  With everything he was.  Making Eren shoulder the guilt for it was wrong, and Levi would not have it.  Then that dark voice sounded out in his ear, breathy and lost and Levi felt his heart breaking.

"I love you."  _Oh, God._   He opened his mouth, unsure what he was going to say, but Eren cut him off.  "Don't!  Don't try and tell me I don't feel it!  Not right now.  Not tonight.  Please, don't."

So Levi didn't.  Instead he kissed the boy breathless, and was not surprised when Eren pulled out a condom and some lubricant.  Could not even hold it against him. Levi was surprised by the sounds he made, mewling and whining and wanton, as Eren spread him open.  Levi keened as Eren scissored his fingers inside, sucking his way up and down the pale skin of that throat.  Even in his lust, held back for so many months, Eren did not leave any marks.  No bites, no bruises.  Nothing that would linger, and suddenly Levi wanted to scream.

_Bite me, mark me, bruise me.  Let me wear this on my skin.  Remind me of what I've done, and how wrong it was._

Even as it felt more right than anything in the world. 

Once Levi was ready, stretched and whimpering underneath Eren's hands, the brunet didn't hesitate.  He rolled a condom on with nervous fingers, and it was obvious he'd never done it before.  Levi ended up having to help him, squeezing air out of the tip and unrolling it over the boy's length.  A fresh, terrifying thought swam through Levi's mind, and it took everything he had not to speak it aloud.  Why hadn't it occurred to him before?  In all this time, all these months of wanting Eren, and not once had he considered it. 

__You're taking this boy's virginity in the back seat of your car.  In the woods at night.  And you're fucking_ married, _and he's_ so young, _and-__

Eren pressed his crown against Levi's entrance, looking down with a worried expression, asking without words if he was okay. 

__And he loves you, and you're a monster._ But it was too late to care._

Levi nodded, pulling the brunet down against him, because he couldn't keep looking at that face.  So sincere, and sweet, and full of adoration, and Levi wanted to die.  Eren slid inside him slowly, pressing painfully soft kisses all over Levi's face and neck and chest.  Every place his lips touched burned like fire, and when he was fully seated inside of Levi they both quaked.  

It did not last long.  Eren stroked Levi off with an uncertain hand as he thrust erratically into him, all gasping breaths and strange angles.  The buckles of the seat belts dug into his side, the leather pulling at his skin with their motion. Eren could not manage to find a rhythm, and Levi was not sure the boy even knew what a prostate was.  Their teeth clacked together when they kissed, and Eren made noises that were high pitched and full of need.  It was awkward, and quick, and nothing less than pitiful. 

It was the best sex Levi ever had, and he erupted into Eren's hand well before the brunet finished.  Hips stuttering into Levi, clutching at his waist, and he came into the latex calling out Levi's name. He pulled out gingerly, tying off the condom and dropping into the floorboards without moving away. Eren pulled off his shirt then, wiping at Levi's stomach before laying down on top of him. He shoved his face into his teacher's neck again, fingers buried in that dark hair. 

Eren asked if he was okay, and once Levi answered, _yes I'm fine,_ the boy started sobbing. Ugly tears, face scrunched up in agony, nose wet. He held onto Levi as he shook with it, crying until he could barely breathe. His teacher ran thin fingers through wet russet strands, and rubbed slow circles on his back. Shushed him in a low voice, and told him everything would be okay. Levi didn't know if it was a lie or not, but he could not be silent. When Eren eventually calmed down, hiding in Levi's chest, he spoke with a voice full of glass. 

"It won't be okay. But thank you. Even if I only get to have you once, at least I know how you feel. How you taste. I do love you, Levi. I'm sorry." 

Levi kissed Eren's lips again, long and messy and slow. He bit his bottom lip, tugging on it before letting go. Levi reached down into Eren's jeans, and when he found what he was looking for, he slid it into the boy's palm. Another foil packet, put there by a Eren, hurting and full of despair, yet still hoping. Wanting. Unable to give in, to let go. 

And neither could Levi. Not yet. 

"One more time. Please." 

They watched the sunrise from Levi's backseat, the leather filthy underneath them, the sky too bright for their aching eyes. His rearview mirror was sideways, reflecting not what lay behind them but the roof of the car. That was okay. Levi knew what was behind him, and he did not want to look. Did not need to see. Eren dozed on and off, nuzzled into Levi's chest, whispering his name in sleep. 

When the boy let out a snore, Levi leaned down and kissed his cheek, mumbling out words into the smooth, tanned skin there. 

"I love you, too." 

He cried again when Levi finally took him home, Eren's house empty, no one there to see. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is inspired by music, much more than any other I've ever written. Each part has a song associated with it, at least in my mind. After you read this chapter, I highly recommend listening to [Passenger by the Deftones](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3li5tge0jZ8). It is beautiful.
> 
> Edit: It could be an American thing, but we sometimes call the floor of the car 'floorboards' here, just fyi. Maybe its a colloquialism because a couple of you guys mentioned it.


	3. Hollow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Run, desire, run.  
> Sexual being.  
> Run him like a blade,  
> to and through the heart.  
> No conscience,  
> one motive,  
> cater to the hollow.
> 
> Screaming feed me here,  
> fill me up again.  
> Temporarily pacify this hungering.
> 
> So grow,  
> libido, throw  
> dominoes of indiscretions down.  
> Falling all around,  
> in cycles.  
> In circles.
> 
> Constantly consuming,  
> conquer and devour.
> 
> 'Cause it's time to bring the fire down.  
> Bridle all this indiscretion.  
> Long enough to edify  
> and permanently fill this hollow.
> 
> Screaming feed me here,  
> fill me up again.  
> Temporarily pacifying.  
> Feed me here,  
> fill me up again.  
> Temporarily pacifying.
> 
> \- A Perfect Circle, Hollow (Constantly Consuming - Paz Mix)

The papers they'd spent so much time going over were now scattered across the floor, mathematic equations and the typed pages of a spanish report spread out on soft carpet, totally forgotten once Eren had swept them from the table. Levi's back pressed into the smooth wooden surface, Eren's fingers working open the buttons of his shirt, tie already pulled loose, hanging like a noose from his throat. Thunder raged outside, lighting strobing through the curtains, the storm making tree branches scratch against the roof. They were heedless of nature's violence playing out, lost together, already shaking in others arms. The brunet kissed his teacher like he needed him the breathe, and Levi was letting him, melting under his touch, hips rutting up of their own volition. Desperate for friction, for contact. For _more._ Always _more._ Levi had sworn he would not let it come to this, not again. He would tell Eren they'd made a mistake, he would do what he should have done in the first place and push the brunet away. Harder, without any room for doubt or argument. Yet here he was, breathless beneath a mouth that was skilled beyond its years. Or maybe Eren wasn't skilled.

He was just _Eren,_ and that made all the difference. Made Levi see stars that were not there, feel heat within him that only the brunet could stoke. Levi loved this boy, and it was fierce, and tragic. He could taste it in his mouth when he looked at Eren in class, could feel it itching in his palms, and swimming through his veins. Toxic, though maybe not for Levi. The only difference between medicine and poison was the dosage, after all.

And how old you were. Whether your body was ready to deal with the chemicals that wanted to heal you, yet might break you apart instead.

It had been two weeks since they'd come together in the backseat of Levi's car, the sun rising on them to illuminate all their wrongdoings. Levi came home afterwards ragged and aching, limping just slightly, and he was glad for it. Eren had been so careful not to mark him, not to bruise him. Had fussed over Levi's clothes, trying futilely to brush out wrinkles and smooth over rumpled fabric, panic in his gaze. It felt right that there was some evidence of Levi's transgression, even if it was only a soreness when he walked, or a twinge in his hips. He deserved that pain, and more. A hundred times over. A thousand. Part of him hoped that Hange would be waiting when he went inside, eyes knowing. That she would call him all the things he was, fling words at him like knives, slice him apart and let all his secrets out.

She was still in bed when he passed it on his way to the shower, as she always was so early in the morning. Sprawled out gracelessly on top of the blankets, and when Levi left the bathroom he crouched down in the floor on her side of the mattress. Brushed those crazed strands out of her face, pulling them to his face to breathe in. Cinnamon, and maybe a trace of vanilla. The chap stick she used in the winter, always the same kind. If Levi closed his eyes and thought hard enough, he could remember what it tasted like.

If he never tasted it again, he would not be sad, or lonely. Only guilty, and that was worse somehow because Levi had ruined them, and she didn't even know. His words were barely a whisper, coming out through lips that trembled.

"I'm sorry."

Levi's lips were trembling again now for an entirely different reason. Eren had his button up shoved apart, mouthing desperately across Levi's chest, and his lips shook around the boy's name as he gasped it out.

"E-Eren..."

Two weeks. Only two weeks, and Levi's resistance had crumbled into dust, made of nothing but empty promises and a weak will. Eren asked if he could come to Levi's house the Monday after they spent the night in the car, to go over all the work he'd fallen behind on. He'd agreed, a scowl on his face, telling the boy _just your school work, nothing more,_ and Eren had nodded vigorously. All that week and most of the next, the brunet was true to his word, for the most part. Catching up on his overdue essays, fumbling through the new material they'd gone over in chemistry, scratching out numbers under Levi's watchful gaze.

He also ran his hand over Levi's arm, thumb lingering on the pale knuckles. Pressed socked feet on Levi's own, toes prodding at his ankles. Hugged him goodbye, face buried in Levi's throat, soft lips brushing against it ever so lightly. Little by little, Levi's defenses fell away, and by the time Eren got to his house on Friday, muddling through his assignments, it felt forced. Both of them just waiting, and when they happened to stand up at the same time, bodies brushing close, Eren had made a desperate noise.

The sound of resignation, and it echoed in answer out of Levi's mouth as they curled into one another. Now Eren was sucking at his teacher's throat, hands hungry as they gripped Levi's ribs, fingers digging into the skin. Sharp and demanding, one of them sliding down to open Levi's belt. He did not struggle with it, as he had the first time, nor were his touches as clumsy. It was dangerous, just how much better Eren was at this after only one night together.

It would make Levi a slave. He already was, lost to this boy, totally overtaken. But it was not Eren's fault that he was beautiful, and sweet, with a mouth that knew instinctively how to make Levi ache and skin that tasted of sunlight. His teacher licked at that tanned flesh, laving at his neck, nibbling with sharp teeth. Marking, as Eren dared not mark, and Levi did not care that it was unfair, or stupid, or reckless. He wanted to claim this perfect creature for his own, even though he had no right to. Wanted Eren to be his, even as he was someone else's. In name, at least.

In reality, Eren already owned him. Body, and soul. Every corrupt piece, every dark corner. Every broken fragment of him wrapped up inside, buried somewhere behind those gemstone eyes and Levi didn't want them to be found. 

When Eren finally got Levi's pants undone they came off in vicious jerks, thrown to the floor atop all of his papers. Just as unnecessary, and Eren pressed Levi's pale thighs open, taking his mouth, tongue delving inside. His teacher just let his legs fall wide, too far gone to hesitate despite the dark thoughts swirling through his mind. He did not care, he could hate himself later. Right then, he needed Eren, needed his hands, his lips, his teeth.

Needed the brunet to fill up all the empty places inside him, caverns within himself ringing hollow with echoes of his loneliness. 

He wasn't sure when Eren had gotten the packet of lubricant from his pocket, only that those fingers were slick when they worked him open, sliding inside, stretching and twisting. Eren was much more patient this time, probably worried he had hurt Levi in his haste before.

But the words he mumbled into his teacher's skin hurt more than his fingers ever could, loud despite the storm outside, slicing into him like steel. Burying themselves in Levi's chest, and he would carry them around like scars. Invisible unless you knew where to look, but always there, waiting for light to catch them just right. _I love you so much Levi, you're so beautiful, so smart, so sexy. You taste so sweet, you feel so good. I missed you so much..._

_I'm so sorry, I can't stop._

Levi didn't want him to, and when Eren rolled a condom on and pressed inside, Levi was not sorry. He did not think of his wife, or his work, or his future. All he could think of was Eren, and how perfect the boy was looming over him. Brown hair falling in his face, eyes shining bright down at Levi. His skin was hot and his hands were gentle and his mouth was painfully sweet, but that was not the worst part.

Eren was so honest, and earnest, and determined. He stood up for kids that got bullied at school and stayed up late to help his sister with her art projects. When his father was gone, which was most of the time, he cleaned his house and cooked their meals and mended everything that broke. Levi had seen him on youtube searching for videos about hot water heater repair and plumbing, trying to make sure Mikasa could take hot showers without spending the rest of their grocery money on a handyman. He'd come to school that following week with bandages on his hands and a smile on his face, hair still wet from the shower he'd taken.

Scalding hot, just because he could. Because Eren fixed what was broken.

He was fixing Levi, too, even as his teacher destroyed him. Eren slid into Levi slowly, kissing his cheeks, his eyes, his mouth. Fingers tangled in raven locks, panting out Levi's name into his lips.

"Levi... Levi... fuck...."

Maybe it was the position they were in, or the fact that he'd done this more than once before, now. It was still awkward at first when the brunet began to move, but he soon fell into a rhythm that had Levi writhing. Twisting underneath him, mewling and quaking, and Eren whispered reassurances as he took Levi's length in hand. His teacher's nails dug angry red marks into Eren's back, slashes he would wear under his clothes for days. It dragged on endlessly, all heat and want and _please, Eren, please...._ Levi called the boy's name in a voice full of gravel, and they came together this time. Climaxing in unison, whining and shaking. Eren pulled out and discarded the condom but did not move off of Levi, nuzzling into his chest. He could feel his tie slide back and forth with the brunet's motions, Levi's shirt still bunched up at his sides.

They were both still smiling when the front door swung open, rain pouring in to puddle at Hange's feet, her umbrella totally forgotten. Just like Eren's face when Levi turned the brunet away the previous December, Hange's expression would be burned into Levi's memory. Disbelief, then _pain._ Stark agony, mingling with the fury that was slowly lighting up her gaze. It was so early, she shouldn't be home yet, but that didn't matter. _Caught._ They'd been caught, and Levi could not even be surprised. He wanted to throw up suddenly, nausea swirling through his gut as he realized a part of him had wanted this. Wanted to be found, wanted to be discovered. Wanted the lie he lived to be over, no matter what it cost him. Eren snatched up his hoodie from the chair he'd been sitting in, easing away from Levi so he could lay it over his hips, covering his nudity. Hange scoffed as she took a step inside, door still open to the downpour.

"No need to cover it up, I've seen it already! Maybe it's been awhile, but I'm sure it's not much different!" She was right, but in that moment Levi was grateful for the brunet's jacket. He needed to be covered, to be hidden. Did not want Hange looking at him, naked and vulnerable. Eren tucked himself back into his jeans, fumbling for Levi's pants and handing them over. He did not stutter over words, or try and mumble out explanations. Just helped Levi into his clothes, and he felt all the air in the room rush out as Hange spoke again.

"I was so damn worried about you, you've been acting so fucking strange! You fell asleep at the school, then you were being weird yesterday. But I guess you weren't really at the school, were you? You were out _fucking this boy._ " Levi winced, tugging his pants up, still unable to meet her eyes. He wondered if he would ever be able to again.

"Hange, I-"

"SHUT UP. What could you possibly say that's going to do anything but make this worse?" Hange spun then, looking at Eren with fire in her eyes. "And YOU. You're awfully fucking quiet, aren't you?" Eren shrugged, meeting Hange's gaze and throwing her words back at her with a boldness Levi hadn't known he possessed. 

"What could I possibly say?" Hange's jaw dropped, and gestured wildly with her hands.

"I don't know, you could apologize? 'Sorry for banging your husband, Mrs. ACKERMAN.' " Eren nodded, glancing between Levi and Hange before speaking.

"I could, but I won't, because it wouldn't be true. I'm not sorry." Levi cringed again, _Jesus fucking Christ Eren,_ but then Hange was shouting at the kid.

"Get the fuck out of my house!" Eren did not put on his shoes, or gather his backpack, or anything else. Just walked straight out into the deluge, looking over his shoulder as he vanished into the storm, a look of total anguish on his face. 

Levi's life was falling apart, his marriage over, his job at risk. His freedom as well, depending on how Hange reacted. Would she turn him in, have him arrested? He and Eren had not done anything while the boy was underage, but there was no way he could prove that. There were a thousand things Levi should be worried about.

All he could think of was just how far it was to Eren's house, and that he would be walking all night before he got there. In the rain, and the thunder and lightning. No shoes on his feet, no coat on his back, no phone to call anyone. Other than losing his mother, this was probably the worst moment of his life, and he was alone.

Levi could not do that to him. The damage was done here, and even though he could not keep seeing Eren, he also could not let him walk by himself in the dark. Would not. Hange was talking, and he owed it to her to listen, he really did, but Levi was not paying attention. He grabbed his keys, and Eren's phone, heading towards the open door when Hange grabbed his arm, an incredulous look on her face.

"You are not really about to chase after that boy right now. Levi, are you fucking serious? Do you have no respect for me at all?" Levi wanted to reach up and touch her face, adjust her glasses. Rub a thumb over her jawline, wipe the rain from her cheeks. But all that was done now, and instead he pulled her hand off his sleeve with sigh.

"You asked me what I could possibly say that would do anything but make this worse. What can I possibly say to make it better? There's nothing left to say. Not to fix anything. It's over twenty miles to that kid's house, and he doesn't have any god damned shoes on, or his phone, and it's pouring down rain. His feet will be fucking bleeding by the time that he gets there. This is his worst day, Hange." Hange didn't know about his mother, but that was not the point. Levi continued, voice full of anger he had no right to feel. He was wrong here, had done Hange wrong. Had lied to her, broken her trust, betrayed her in a basic way. But if she wanted him to let Eren walk home like that to satisfy her anger, he was going to disappoint her once more. "I'm gonna take him home, and then I'll be back, and you can tell me all the things I already know about myself. You think I don't know I'm fucked up? You think I don't know what I did? That I'm an asshole, and a monster? I know, Hange. I fucking know." 

Hange pointed out into the rain, sky falling down around them as Levi's world fell down inside.

"He doesn't have a car, because he is _a child._ A child that you _teach._ If you walk out that door to take that boy home, I will be gone when you get back, and I will stay gone until you get your shit out of my house. You can't do this to me, Levi. You can't do this to him, either." Levi could feel the rain misting against his face, trying to wash everything away.

Levi would never be clean again, and he gritted his teeth and let everything fall.

"I know I can't be with him. But I can't be with you anymore either, Hange. I'm sorry."

He walked into the deluge, felt the wind pulling at his face. Lightning breaking the heavens open, thunder shaking the ground.

The storm's devastation was nothing compared to what was happening in Levi's chest, and when he got in his car there was no respite from it. Just memories of the night breeze blowing through his windows, Eren's soft breath in his ear. Whispering _I love you,_ and swallowing Levi whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I'll direct you to the song that inspired this chapter, [A Perfect Circle's 'Hollow' (Constantly Consuming - Paz Mix)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7LQN2FLdRM) You _could_ listen to the original version of the song, which is great on its own, but this version is darker and much more haunting. It fits the mood of the chapter better, and is the version I had in mind while writing.
> 
> Feedback me, reader-san.


	4. Schism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them fall away.  
> Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing.  
> Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion  
> Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication  
> The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so  
> We cannot seem to reach an end crippling our communication.
> 
> I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them tumble down  
> No fault, none to blame, it doesn't mean I don't desire to  
> Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.  
> To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication
> 
> The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,  
> And the circling is worth it.  
> Finding beauty in the dissonance.
> 
> There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.  
> Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting  
> I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing.  
> Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.
> 
> Cold silence  
> has a tendency  
> to atrophy any  
> sense of compassion...
> 
> Between supposed lovers,  
> between supposed lovers,
> 
> I know the pieces fit.  
> -Schism, Tool

Eren had not gotten very far down the road, and Levi's house was still in sight when he spotted the brunet walking on the sidewalk.  He pulled up next to him and stopped, leaning over to throw open his car door.  Rain began misting in, cold and biting.  Eren peered in at Levi, a look of disbelief on his face.

"Get in."  Eren glanced back at Levi's house, Hange visible where she stood in the doorway, before turning his gaze back towards Levi.  Those eyes asked questions Levi  could not answer, and he let out an exasperated sigh.  "Get in the car, kid.  You're drowning out there."  

Not that Levi wasn't drowning, too, but something inside him loosened when Eren climbed in and shut the door.  Levi's socks were soaking wet as he worked the pedals, hair matted to his face, but it was nothing compared to the brunet.  Eren looked as though he'd crawled out of a river, every inch of him drenched.  They rode in silence for awhile, Eren toying with his fingers, cutting sideways glances at Levi before he finally found his voice.

"Should you really be here with me, Levi?"  God, Levi wanted to shake this boy.  He let his eyes fall on the brunet, lingering on his face, before he turned them back to the road ahead.

"There's nowhere else I should be right now."

Eren didn't respond.  Not with words, at least.  Instead he reached over, tugging Levi's hand from the steering wheel and lacing their fingers together.  Neither one of them spoke the rest of the way to Eren's house, but the heat of that hand wrapped around his own warmed Levi in a way he wouldn't have thought possible.  Calmed him, even in the midst of the chaos his life had become.  The eye of a hurricane, eerily still even as everything was blown away around it.  When they finally pulled into Eren's driveway, there was no one home, and for once Levi was grateful for the boy's absentee father.  It meant there was no one watching as they sat there, staring at one another across the car, clutching even tighter at each other's fingers.  As though one of them was trying to pull away, though they weren't.

They were both holding on as tight as they could, and Levi's blood had turned to ice in his veins.

Eren looked like he was trying to find words, trying to force them from his mouth, but he was failing miserably.  Finally he managed to get it together, sounding like he might cry.

"You think you'll be able to fix things with... with your..."  _With your wife._   Levi didn't blame him for not being able to say the word.  He wasn't sure he could, either.  Shook his head, looking away from the kid and down at his lap.

"No.  Even if... _this_ hadn't happened, there was nothing there for me anymore.  We're finished, Hange and I.  I'll go back and pack up my stuff, find a place to stay.  It was only a matter of time, one way or the other."  Eren covered his face with his free hand, shuddering hard.  Levi looked at him strangely, worried for a moment.  "Are you okay?  I mean... physically okay?"  He probably wasn't, all things considered.  He'd been walking in the cold rain, not for very long, but still.  After everything else, Levi would not be surprised if he felt sick.

"No, I-  I'm fine.  I'm just... a terrible person, I guess.  All this has happened, and your whole life is fucked because of me, and-"

"Hey, it's not your fault that I-"

"And you're getting divorced, probably.  Who knows what your wife will do now, I mean you could lose your job, fuck, if they don't believe that we weren't involved before I turned seventeen you could go to jail.  Do they make people sex offenders for that?  I don't even know.  But-"

"EREN-"  He let out a dark laugh, talking over Levi, face still in his palm.

"But all I can think is how glad I am that your marriage is over.  That you aren't going home to her, to crawl in bed together and talk about how much of a mistake I was.  This is probably the shittiest thing that has ever happened to you, and it's the best part of my whole life.  I'm the worst."  

Eren sounded lost in all the wrong ways, and Levi felt suddenly desperate.  He crawled over the seat and straddled the brunet, hands curled into his chest, burying his nose in Eren's neck.  Their clothes were wet, and it was freezing cold, even with the heater blasting away.  But when Eren made a strangled noise and wrapped those arms around Levi, it still felt like home.  As though the world did not exist, and he belonged nowhere but right there.  Levi felt safe, as stupid as that was, and he did not want to move.  Not ever.  Wanted to stay curled against Eren's chest, where nothing could hurt him.  But not even Eren could keep Levi's problems at bay, and there were things he needed to say.  It was easier to talk there, hidden in the brunet's skin, and the words poured out on their own.

"You're not the worst.  None of this is your fault.  If anyone is to blame here, it's me.  Not you, okay?"  One of Eren's hands came up to fist in Levi's hair, holding him impossibly tighter.  He nodded weakly, though Levi knew he probably still wanted to argue.  "No matter how fucked up things are now, being with you was not a mistake.  I should have settled things with my wife first.  I should have waited until you graduated, until you had sorted everything out for yourself, to see how you felt then.  A year from now, you might not have wanted anything to do from me.  We did things the wrong way, but never think that you were a _mistake,_ because I never will."  _I love you._   He held the words back, terrified to chain this boy with them.  

"So what happens now?  To you?"  The brunet didn't sound like he really wanted an answer, and Levi knew he didn't want to give one.  Had to, though.  Needed to go to the house that used to be his home and see if Hange was still there.  She deserved to say her piece, if she wanted.  He wasn't sure what would be worse.  To find his house empty, Hange long gone, or to find her waiting for him to come back.  Levi had dug this grave himself, and it was his duty to crawl in now.  Be buried by his sins, if she chose to do so.  He cleared his throat before answering, though it did not remove the ache there.

"A lot of that depends on Hange and how she reacts to all this.  Either way, I'll have to leave the school.  There's no way she will stand for me working there, not being your teacher.  I know her well enough to know she'll insist I find another job, and I can't really fault her.  It's so close to the end of the semester, but I can't wait.  I have some money saved up, so it shouldn't be hard to find a place to stay.  I can find work as a tutor, one of my college friends has been hounding me to do lessons for her online.  I'll be okay.  Don't worry about me."  Easier said than done, Levi thought, as the brunet nuzzled into his hair.  Eren's hand slid underneath Levi's shirt, rubbing slow circles into the cool skin there.  It was still so warm, abnormally so, and Levi wanted those hands on him forever.  Couldn't have them.  Not yet.  Eren broke the silence again, whispering into Levi's locks.

"What happens to us?"  Levi's eyes started to sting, but he managed to keep the tears out of his voice.

"We can't be together, Eren.  You're still in high school."  Eren clung tighter to Levi, as though he could keep him there somehow.  Hold his teacher in place, force those words back into his mouth.

"Only for another year."

"I know that.  But I don't want you wasting an entire year of your life waiting.  You might find someone else, someone your own age.  I don't want guilt holding you back from being happy, even if it's not with me.  You deserve better than being lonely for a whole year."  The brunet pulled back, holding Levi's face in his hands, brows furrowed.  Eyes shining with tears, and Levi couldn't have looked away even without those warm fingers keeping him in place.

"Will you wait for me?"  _I'll do anything for you._   But that was the wrong thing to say, wasn't it? 

"Eren, I-"

"I don't care what you think is best for me, or what you want me to do.  I get to decide those things for myself.  I can make my own choices.  I'm not asking what you think."  

Eren looked so fucking broken, Levi wanted to lie to him again, as he had before.  Tell him everything was going to be okay.  Then Eren brought their mouths together, and Levi was helpless to do anything but melt underneath the brunet's lips.  They were bruising on his own, insatiable, and Levi wondered if he would ever stop.  Did not want him to, not really.  If he suffocated beneath this boy's mouth, breathless and still, well...  There were worse ways to go.  When Eren broke away Levi was gasping for air.  Flushed and shaking, but not from the cold.  The brunet still held Levi's face between his palms, reaching out to thumb over his teacher's wet lips.  When he spoke this time, there were no traces of uncertainty, no wavering, no doubts.

"Will you wait a year for me, Levi?"  There was only one answer, and it was both bright and full of shadows.

"As long as it takes."

............................................................................

Levi was not surprised to see Hange when he got back home.  She sat in the floor near the entryway, eyes roaming over the pages in her hands.  Hange glanced up briefly when Levi entered, before turning her gaze back to the paper.

"His spanish is fucking awful."  He could not hold back the bark of laughter that came out, brief and joyless though it was.  Of all the things he expected her to say, that was not one of them.  Levi eased himself down in the floor next to her, cross legged, hands in his lap.

"I know it is."  She stared at Eren's horrific spanish report for a few more moments before letting the pages fall to the ground, still not looking at Levi.

"How long?"  He could've asked what she meant, but Levi didn't want to drag this out.  There was no reason to. Her anger seemed to have melted away, leaving some sort of strange resignation in its place.

"Physically speaking, two weeks ago."  Levi felt her eyes on him then, but he could not meet them yet.  Didn't want to see what they held. Disgust, or disappointment. Levi didn't need to know.

"Physically speaking?  Is there more to it than that?"  He nodded, unable to find the words he needed to express what he felt for Eren.  Not to Hange, the woman he was supposed to love.  The woman he'd cheated on.  Abandoned.  Betrayed.  She had always known him better than he knew himself, though, and Levi guessed it was written all over his face.  It did not take her long to read it there, all the things he left unsaid.  "Oh my God, you're in love with that boy."  Hange waited on him to acknowledge it, even though there was no doubt in her voice.  He nodded again, cheeks flushing under her scrutiny.  "Since when?"

It was a good question, and one he'd been pondering for awhile.  When did Eren stop being just some boy in his classroom?  When did he become so much more than that?  When did Levi start looking at him and feel his heart beat faster, his hands turn clammy, his breath hitching wildly? He'd realized he could pinpoint the exact day, the precise moment he'd seen Eren as someone he wanted for his own. The brunet had been sitting in class, pencil moving over his work, and he'd glanced up to catch Levi staring.

Bit his lip. Cheeks going pink, looking at Levi from underneath his lashes. Looking back down with his hair falling into his eyes, playing with his fingers in that way of his, and Levi hadn't known it at the time, but he was lost already. Levi didn't recall the date, of course, but it had been at the start of Eren's second semester of the previous school year.

"January of last year." Hange balked, visible even from the corner of Levi's eyes, and he cringed in response.

"Jesus Christ, Levi, he was a sophomore!" _I know. I fucking know that._ "He'd have been what, fifteen years old? Fuck's sake." She was quiet for a bit, mind working, processing what he'd told her. "You mean to tell me you've wanted this kid since January of last year, and you've only been fucking him for two weeks? You expect me to believe that?" He finally turned to look at her, shrugging.

"It's true whether you believe it or not. At this point, it doesn't really matter, does it?" Hange dropped her eyes now, toying with her wedding ring, looking forlorn.

"When did you stop loving me, Levi? Before him? After?"

Levi couldn't answer. Didn't know, really. He wasn't sure when he'd stopped missing the way Hange's hands felt buried in his hair, or the feel of her mouth on his own. How long had it been since he'd looked at her and felt that sweet ache in his chest? The one he got now when he looked at Eren, like he was the most precious thing in the world. So important to Levi that it hurt inside, making emotions swell up within. Levi didn't know, and it shamed him. He stayed silent for too long, and Hange stood up.

"You can tell me exactly when you started caring for Eren, but not when you stopped caring about me?"

Levi looked up at her, unable to breathe, because she was right. Falling out of love with Hange had been so gradual he hadn't noticed it happening until it was all over. Bit by bit, piece by piece, and all the things he felt for her had faded away into something weak and diluted. A familiar sort of affection, no different from what he'd feel for a beloved family member or childhood friend. The sort of love you felt when you knew how someone slept at night, the way they held their limbs. How they sounded when they were sad, or angry, or amused. The very cadence of who they were, learned through years of closeness, etched into one's brain.

But familiarity was not love. Not the kind Levi had once felt for Hange. Fierce and overpowering, as though it would swallow up all he was.

It's not as though he'd forgotten what it felt like. He just felt it for someone else now. A boy with brown hair and bright eyes and a voice that made Levi tremble.

Hange walked out of the room without saying another word, passing him again in silence when she left the house, duffel bag in hand. She did not slam the door behind her, and the soft click it made as it closed was worse somehow. He needed it to bang closed, a loud declaration of all that he'd lost.

Levi crawled across the floor and snatched up Eren's hoodie, forgotten beneath the table along with everything else. He curled up on the carpet and pressed the dark green fabric into his face, breathing in the woodsy scent there. Levi did not know what it was, exactly. Soap, or shampoo, or cologne.

Only that it was purely _Eren,_ and that he would not smell it again for quite some time. 

Levi sobbed into the soft fleece, muffling the sounds of his anguish with Eren's scent. He fell asleep there, finally. Eyes sore, cheeks red, throat raw and inflamed.

Chest empty, all the pieces of him torn out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song here is more appropriate lyrically than musically, but hey, you should listen anyway.


	5. Patient

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A groan of tedium escapes me,  
> Startling the fearful.  
> Is this a test? It has to be.  
> Otherwise I can't go on.  
> Draining patience, drained vitality.  
> This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.
> 
> But I'm still right here,  
> giving blood, keeping faith,  
> and I'm still right here.
> 
> Wait it out.  
> Gonna wait it out.  
> Be patient.
> 
> If there were no rewards to reap,  
> no loving embrace to see me through  
> this tedious path I've chosen here,  
> I certainly would've walked away by now.  
> Gonna wait it out.
> 
> If there were no desire to heal  
> a damaged and broken man along  
> this tedious path I've chosen here,  
> I certainly would've walked away by now.
> 
> And I still may... 
> 
> Be patient.  
> I must keep reminding myself of this.
> 
> And if there were no rewards to reap,  
> no loving embrace to see me through  
> this tedious path I've chosen here,  
> I certainly would've walked away by now.  
> And I still may.
> 
> Gonna wait it out.
> 
>  
> 
> [-Tool, Patient](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtHAKEZzrl8)

The first couple of months went by faster than Levi would have anticipated, a flurry of activity making him tired where he would have been depressed.  Moving out of his house was not the undertaking it could have been, but that was probably because he took so little with him.  All of his clothes, a few boxes of books, some photo albums that his mother had given him before she passed away, along with her table and chairs.  Levi told himself he took the table because it had been his mother's, anyway.

Really it just made him think of Eren, his work spread out over the surface, hands running across the wood, head laid down on it in frustration even as a smile played over his face, and Levi found he could not leave it behind.  Even without the memory of being laid back against it, thighs spread with Eren looming over him, smiling down at Levi like he was something _worthy._   He took a single dish, the coffee mug that Eren always used, and Levi resisted the urge to drink from it.  To put his mouth where Eren's had been, remembering what those soft lips felt like against his own...  Even Levi realized how pathetic he was, but he could not manage to get himself together.  At night he slept with the boy's hoodie pressed into his face, though the scent had long since faded.  The ghost of Eren's heat was still there, warming Levi more than his blankets ever could despite how thin it was.  Sometimes he put it on, wearing it around his apartment even though it fell halfway to his knees, sleeves eating his hands with their length.  Was Eren this big?  This tall, with arms this long?

Levi thought maybe he'd made the boy larger in his memory, more than the sum of his parts, but Eren's sweatshirt swallowed Levi up just as the brunet himself had.  There was something deeply comforting about it that Levi could not quite put a name to, and he found solace buried in all that fabric like nowhere else.  Holding Eren's mug in his hands.  

Carrying around a hole in his chest, wondering if it would ever be filled again.

The divorce papers were already filled out, but it would be another five months or so before everything was finalized.  A waiting period, to make sure they were both sure this was what they wanted, along with paperwork to determine what happened to their assets.  Mostly just Levi signing everything over to Hange, keeping only his car and the money in his bank accounts.  They'd spoken again a couple of days after she found him and Eren together, to ask what he was going to do about his job.  Levi wondering all the while if he would see the inside of a jail cell, though in the end it was nothing so dramatic.  Predictable enough, though he'd still cringed through the conversation.

_'You can't keep teaching that boy, Levi.  I won't let you go back to that school as though nothing happened.'_

He left the school without teaching another day, spending a few hours with the substitute who would temporarily replace him and going over his lesson plans for the next month and half.  Handing over the final exams he'd already prepared, telling her which students were problematic, which ones needed some extra help.  Levi didn't mention Eren.  Couldn't manage to get the name past his lips in a way that sounded anything but breathless, so he kept it tucked away in his mouth, for no one else to hear.  The principal was less than pleased, but Levi had known Erwin a very long time, and he'd finally just told him what was happening.  The truth, or most of it.  That he'd developed feelings for a student, was moving out of his house, divorcing his wife.  Leaving everything behind before he made it worse.  

Levi left out Eren's name yet again, along with the full extent of their relationship.  That he'd had sex with the kid, more than once.  Fallen in love.   The most important details, yet Erwin had not asked questions.  It was probably to maintain some kind of plausible deniability, but even so, Levi was grateful.  Erwin could always seem to tell if someone was lying, and Levi didn't want it to come to that.  They'd gone to college together, though Erwin graduated a couple of years before him.  He'd been Levi's friend before he was ever his boss, and the thought of deceiving the man made his mouth taste sour.  Erwin was surprised, though he did not say so out loud, Levi could see it in his eyes.  Something between _'I didn't think you had it in you',_ and _'You are not who I thought you were.'_

_What is wrong with you?_

The sort of betrayal someone felt when you did not use words to deceive them, but your very nature.

Unspoken, but written there all the same, and Levi wondered if Erwin or Hange would ever look at him the same again.  Months later, years, decades down the line, would they still see Levi and think of him as less than he once was?  Someone monstrous and predatory, instead of a person they'd once cared about.  If they did, well...  Levi couldn't really blame them.  

It was astonishing how something could make Levi feel so horrible about himself, when the memory itself was one he could not help but cherish.  

It had not taken very long for Levi to find a place to stay near the university a few towns over.  Rife with college students who needed tutoring, and their parents were eager to throw money at Levi once he'd gotten recommendations from some of his own former teachers there.  He met them in coffee shops, or one of the university's libraries.  Taught them over web chats.  Sat across from them on picnic tables at local parks.  But they never, ever came into his apartment, nor did he go into theirs.  All he could think was _what would Eren say,_ and Levi didn't want to know.  A dozen or more students later, and Levi had enough income to pay his bills, though he would not be living lavishly.  Not that he cared.  Levi was lucky he had enough savings to get an apartment at all, let alone one so close to the college.

If it happened to be the school that Eren always planned on attending once he graduated, Levi could chalk it up to convenience.  He was a tutor, he needed clients, and there was no better place to acquire them than a nearby college.  It was harder to justify the extra room, now filled with a desk and a computer, shelves lined with books, a comfortable couch.  Why would someone living alone need a separate room for work?  But it would be a good place to Eren to study, or for Levi to hold his online classes, without disturbing one another.  Though the boy might not ever lay eyes on it.    

A year felt like an eternity to Levi, but he could not even imagine how long it would seem to a high school student.  Like a lifetime, probably.  The best thing for Eren would be if he forgot all about Levi.  Found some kid his age, young and vibrant just like he was.  Fall in love, go to college together.  They would stay up late at night studying, going to the classes they shared hands entwined.  Make dinner in a shitty little dorm kitchen, elbows bumping into each other, no room to move. Drink too much and argue with one another, or have sloppy drunk sex neither of them would really remember the next day.  Once they'd been together long enough, Eren might tell him about the time he'd slept with one of his teachers.  Twice, at that.  _'I thought I wanted to be with him forever, I was so stupid.'_

_'It was a mistake.'_

Just the thought of how perfect life would be for Eren without Levi there made him feel sick inside.  He'd told Eren he would never regret what happened between them, and it was true.  Eren was the bright spot in the gloom of Levi's life, a sun he couldn't look into for too long, lest it blind him.  Given some time, however, he doubted the boy would feel the same.  One day Eren would look back on those nights with his teacher and feel nothing but shame.  Levi had taken something beautiful and corrupted it.

And given another chance, he'd have done everything just the same.  Perhaps in a different order, to save everyone some pain, but not put his hands on Eren?  Not touch him, not taste him?

Levi was not strong enough.  Never had been.  Never would be.

Time dragged on infinitely slowly then, every day a fucking eternity.  After everything settled down, the summer session ending at the college, Eren's class ready to start their senior year, the silence of Levi's apartment began to sting.  A physical sensation on his skin, a static that made him restless.  Palms itching, teeth grinding in Levi's jaw.

He'd managed to get himself thoroughly drunk one Saturday night at the beginning of August, unable to stand the sound of nothingness resounding in his ears.  Alcohol was not something he usually indulged in, being prone to hangovers and booze induced mood swings, but he could not cope with the silence anymore.  Levi was used to the quiet, Hange had never come home until well after he'd gone to bed and Levi was never one to play music or television absently in the background, but this was different somehow.  Oppressive.  Choking.  It was hard to breathe, and Levi didn't know how he was going to endure ten more minutes of it, let alone ten more months.  He stared at his phone, trying not to look at the number he'd pulled up on the screen.  One that had not called all this time.  Had not texted.  

Levi had specifically told him that they couldn't see each other, but mentioned nothing about cutting off all communication.   Yet Eren had not tried to contact Levi at all, and he could not decide whether he should be happy or sad.  Over three months of total silence, and that told him all he needed to know, didn't it?  Eren didn't want anything to do with him after all.  He'd made the right choice, all things considered.  Levi was worthless.  Too old, too difficult.  Grouchy, and boring.  Wrong for Eren in every way.

He was also pressing the call button and lifting the phone to his ear, even as he told himself not to do so.  Months and months, and Eren had managed to refrain.  Either through disinterest or determination, and who was Levi to take that victory from him?  His vision was too blurry to make out the small numbers on the screen without squinting, but last time he'd checked, it was well after midnight.  Eren was probably asleep anyway, so late at at night.  But it was the weekend, maybe he was out with his friends.

Or in bed with a lover, wrapped up in messy sheets that smelled like woods and spice.  A scent Levi would never breathe in again, and he felt like screaming into the void that was his life now.

"  'ello?"  Levi's eyes fell closed at the sound of Eren's voice, rough with sleep and full of gravel.  He made a noise in his throat, something close to a whine, and he heard something rustling on the other end of the phone.  Eren sitting up in bed, probably, blankets falling down around him.  "Hello?  Who's this?"

_'Who's this?'_

Fuck.  Levi had not changed his phone number, and drunk as he was, the pieces still fell into place.  Eren had deleted his contact information.  Even half asleep, someone could read a name off the screen of their phone's display.  But Eren didn't know who he was.  Just an unknown number calling him too late at night, and Levi felt his eyes stinging.  He sniffed hard, trying to swallow around the lump in his throat.  Force his mouth to work long enough to apologize.

"I-I'm sorry.  Forget it, go back to sleep."

Levi hung up before he could say something else, before he started sobbing into the phone like a lovesick fucking moron.  His breathing had gone ragged, sharp and painful in his chest, shuddering and unnatural.  _God,_ he'd thought he was ready to accept this.  Ready for the pain that would come when everything was said and done, and Eren left him behind.  But there was no getting ready for the knives in his gut, and he pulled the hood of Eren's sweatshirt over his head, as though he could hide from the ache inside.

Then his phone rang, so loud and unexpected that it made Levi jerk in surprise.  When he picked it up with fumbling hands and saw Eren's name there, his wretched, stupid heart stuttered in his chest.  Levi answered it, because he was weak, and nothing in the world would have kept him from hearing that voice again.  Started stumbling over his tongue, mouth running out ahead of him.

"Hey.  I- I woke you up, I guess, I'm sorry.  And I- I mean- fuck, I'll leave you alone, I didn't-"

" _Levi._ "  There was stark relief in that one word, his name let out on a breathy sigh.

"Y-Yeah?"  A choked noise found Levi's ear, a gasping breath.

" _Oh my God,_ Levi.  Why haven't you called me?  I broke my phone, and my contacts weren't synced, and no one had your number and-"  Crying.  Eren was fucking _crying,_ and all Levi wanted to do was hold him.  Had to just listen instead, phone clenched in his fist so hard the case popped open.  "I thought you didn't want to talk to me.  I knew it might be a little while and we couldn't see each other but it's been _months_ now and I was so worried about you and why-"  His voice broke then, tears in the words.  Eren.  Eren was fucking _invincible,_ a force of nature made flesh, and Levi had broken him.  He wanted to disappear into himself.  He'd been such a fucking coward.  "Why didn't you call me?"  _Because I was afraid you didn't want me._

"I didn't-  I was waiting on you, I thought... I didn't know if you wanted to talk to me anymore. I was afraid to call you."  What was he, twelve years old? He sounded like an idiot, even to himself.

"Jesus Christ, Levi! I went to your house! Or, your wife's house. Ex-wife. Whatever, that's not the point! I went up and knocked on her fucking door and asked if you were okay! Do you know how terrifying she is?" Levi put his face in his hands and winced at the thought of Eren knocking on Hange's door. Trying to _check on him._

"You didn't really."

"YES! I did! Because I thought you were dead or some shit! Three months is a long time Levi! But again, your ex-wife is fucking frightening." Levi laughed then, a manic giggle, shaking with it.

"Only to teenagers who banged her husband and then show up on her porch."

"SHUT UP LEVI! This is your fault anyway, so- shit, stop _laughing_ at me! When school started back I was going to sneak into Smith's office and dig for your personnel file, you asshole! It's not funny!" 

It _was_ funny though, for reasons Eren could not begin to fathom. This kid had been so worried about Levi he'd managed to work up the courage to go to Hange's house, when the last thing she'd said to Eren had been to get the fuck out of it. He was brave in ways Levi would never be. Levi who was too chicken shit to pick up the phone and call, while Eren planned to creep into Erwin's office and go through confidential files to get in touch again.

Worthless. Levi was worthless.

But he couldn't stop smiling, and he finally managed to get himself in check. Found the words he needed, though they wouldn't be nearly enough.

"I'm so sorry, Eren. I should've called you sooner. I miss you." Eren sighed, and Levi heard him sniffing, clearing his throat. Probably trying to sound normal when he spoke, but it didn't work. 

"I miss you too."

Eren sounded just as wrecked as Levi, and the sun was rising before he finally hung up the phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll link you once more to [Patient](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtHAKEZzrl8) by Tool.
> 
> If you were here to suffer with the angst, I am sorry, because it's (mostly) over with. This story was supposed to be a 3k word drabble, a kind of a personal challenge to myself to see if I could even manage to write anything angsty. I think I succeeded, but this is my limit, I cannot manage to make them suffer anymore. I am _weak._
> 
> Also, this is the first story written entirely from one character's perspective. I'm kinda proud, I usually jump back and forth, and I was tempted to here as well but I held myself back.


	6. Parable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this entire chapter written weeks ago, but then I deleted it. Felt wrong. Now it's good, I think. I'm happy with it.
> 
>  
> 
> So familiar and overwhelmingly warm.  
> This one, this form I hold now.  
> Embracing you, this reality here.  
> This one, this form I hold now, so  
> wide eyed and hopeful.  
> Wide eyed and hopefully wild
> 
> We barely remember what came before this precious moment.  
> Choosing to be here right now.  
> Hold on, stay inside...  
> This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in...  
> This body makes me feel eternal,  
> all this pain is an illusion.
> 
> We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment  
> We are choosing to be here right now  
> Hold on, stay inside...
> 
> This holy reality, this holy experience  
> Choosing to be here in...  
> This body, this body holding me  
> Be my reminder here that I am not alone in...  
> This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal  
> All this pain is an illusion
> 
> Alive.
> 
> In this holy reality, in this holy experience  
> Choosing to be here in...  
> This body, this body holding me  
> Be my reminder here that I am not alone in...  
> This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal  
> All this pain is an illusion
> 
> Twirling round with this familiar parable  
> Spinning, weaving round each new experience  
> Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing  
> A chance to be alive and breathing
> 
> This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality  
> Embrace this moment, remember, we are eternal  
> All this pain is an illusion
> 
> -Tool, Parabol/Parabola

Levi had never felt so nauseated just stepping inside of a stadium before, and the throng of students and teachers swelling around him wasn't helping matters.  If there was any way to back out of this without doing damage, Levi would've been in his car already, tires eating up the miles towards home.  But he'd _promised_ he would be there for Eren, especially since no one else would.  His father was out of town on business as usual, and there were no aunts or uncles or extended family members to watch the boy walk across that platform.  Mikasa and Armin were both there graduating, after all, and Eren deserved someone in that crowd.  Someone who knew all he'd been through.  Someone who was _so fucking proud_ of him.  He'd dragged his way back up from the middle of the rankings to reach seventeenth in his class, and considering how poorly he'd been doing at the beginning of his junior year, it was incredibly impressive.  Levi remembered one of Eren's English teachers casually saying that the kid would never make it, would drop out first chance he got and never look back.

Levi wished he could see her face tonight, and point out how wrong she'd been.

Of course, it wasn't all without effort.  They'd spent hours on web chats together, Levi struggling to help Eren with his formulas and problems without the luxury of being next to him.  He'd only seen Eren in person twice over the last thirteen months, and both times had been a mistake, really.  They met at a coffee shop on Christmas eve, after listening to Eren plead for days over the phone, insisting he would behave himself.  They would be in public, he could keep his hands to himself, keep his shit together.  He lied.  Of course he lied, though it hadn't been entirely his fault.  When they arrived Levi's chest hurt at the sight of the brunet, and he wasn't even ashamed of the way his hands shook as he brought a cup tea up to his lips.  Trembling like an addict long denied, their drug of choice just out of reach.  The small talk was painful, and most of the time they just stared at each other, brutally aware of all the other customers in the shop around them.  They exchanged hoodies at Levi's request.  Not new ones, but the ones they'd been wearing, because he needed _something._   Months and months without Eren's presence was making him go fucking crazy, and even if it only lasted a couple weeks, Levi knew that warm scent might finally let him sleep.

He'd also given Eren a key to his apartment, and when he handed it over the brunet furrowed his brows in confusion.  Then Levi told him exactly where he was living, so close to Eren's chosen college that they could throw a rock from Levi's balcony and hit it.  Said there was a room for him to study in and space for all his things, Levi's cheeks flushing with the words, gaze on the ground.  Eren's eyes went soft and wet before he buried his face in his hands for awhile, tugging the hood of his jacket down while his shoulders quaked.  Key fisted in his palm like he was afraid it would disappear, and finally when people started to stare Levi got up and led Eren outside.  They stood between their cars, Eren finally driving around in his father's hand me down piece of shit Buick, and after glancing around Levi thought _fuck it._

Wound his arms around the kid, tucking Eren's head down into the crook of his neck.  Eren collapsed against him with a quiet sob, breathing in Levi's scent, hands fisting in the back of the man's shirt.  God, he was so _warm,_ how had Levi managed to forget.  He was home again after so long away.  A home he'd barely come to know, wrapped up in Eren's arms for the briefest of moments before he was snatched away, but home all the same.  Eren shuddered  against him, sniffling as he pressed his face into Levi's throat, whispering into the skin there things that he'd said a thousand times over the phone.  _I miss you.  It hurts without you.  I love you, Levi.  This isn't fair._   It was all more real with the boy's hands in Levi's clothes, his words mumbled into Levi's flesh, his weight a visceral thing where it pressed Levi into his car.

All he could say was, _I know.  Me too.  I'm sorry._   

He could tell Eren wanted to kiss him when they parted, eyes lingering on Levi's mouth, but he just shook his head with a sad expression.  They were in Eren's hometown, school was out, there were people everywhere.  There was no way Levi could let that happen, not without risking everything.  They'd waited too long already to have everything fall apart now.  Eren hugged Levi so tightly the bones of his spine popped, fingers digging into his back, forehead heavy on his shoulder.

When Levi got into his car he waited for Eren to drive away, then brought the boy's hoodie up to his face to breathe in deep.  Something heavy was shoved in the front pocket, and he pulled it out to find a half empty bottle of Eren's cologne, and a envelope.  Inside was a sketch of himself sitting at a desk, and even Levi could tell it was done from memory.  The boy's memory, looking up at Levi from his assigned seat in class.  Looking too long.  Wanting too much, but all the same things Levi wanted, and he ran his fingers over Eren's signature in the corner with forlorn hands.

He waited until he got home and then let himself weep.

The months dragged on even more slowly after that, the ghost of Eren's touch haunting him in the worst ways.  He dreamed about the kid constantly, waking up at night pawing at an empty bed, confused as to where Eren had gone.  It made no sense, they'd never even _shared_ a bed with each other,  but his own still felt vacant and lonely.  Levi pulled himself through the days like he was walking through water, doing anything he could to fill the hours.  He started exercising more, running through the streets where he lived until he was ragged and gasping for air, going to the gym and throwing weights around like a man possessed.  Anything to ensure he was thoroughly exhausted when he lay down at night, and sleep still eluded him more often than not.  He only talked to Eren on the phone before bed, once a night like clockwork, and they rarely spoke about  the things that hung in the silence between them.  The words would hurt coming out, glass in their throats, sharp on their tongues.  It was better left unsaid, just how much they ached for each other.  Levi could hear it in Eren's voice, the velvet way he said his name, and that would have to be enough.  A handful of months.  The blink of an eye, stretching out like an eternity before them.

The next time he laid eyes on Eren was at the end of March, and it didn't take nearly as much convincing this time for Levi to meet with him.  This time they both headed to a park near the college, and as Eren had already received his acceptance letter, they talked about classes and scheduling.  Levi's students.  The path he took when he ran, what time all his tutoring sessions were, which students were all right, which ones were miserable.  He taught his language students how to swear in French if they asked, and sometimes entire hours of study were spent discussing just how to correctly and creatively tell someone to fuck off.

With the proper pronunciations, of course.

Eren asked Levi to show him the apartment, and he refused the brunet as gently as he could.  He knew if they got inside those walls, it would be all over.  They'd be tangled up in each other on the floor before they even reached the bedroom, lost and breathless, and as much as Levi wanted that, he could not have it.  Not yet.  Eren was still in high school, and even if no one was the wiser, it did not matter.  Two more months.  Two more months, and while they wouldn't exactly be able to tell the whole world what they were to each other, they could still be together.  And when Eren started school in the fall, his clothes would hang in Levi's closet.  His textbooks would be spread out on Levi's coffee table.   His shampoo would sit in Levi's shower.  Every part of him, scattered out all over Levi's apartment, filling up those empty spaces.

Levi couldn't wait.

He'd given Eren a brand new laptop when they parted that time, an early graduation present, and the brunet's eyes went wet and soft.  Levi thought Eren was going to break his neck with how tight he clung, but eventually he eased off.  Reached out to run his fingertips over Levi's lips, letting then rest there a bit too long, biting his own in want.  It was written all over his face, just how fiercely he needed Levi.

Written all over Levi's, too.  He just didn't know it then.  Finally the sun fell low in the sky, and they parted ways feeling bleak and desolate.  Those last two months were physically painful, worse than before by a thousandfold.  The same way the night felt colder when you left the warmth of the fire, Levi felt emptier after feeling Eren's heat.

Almost a year to the day after Hange had found them together, months after their divorce had been finalized, she asked Levi to meet her at home.  What used to be his home, anyway, and driving up at the curb felt bizarre.  Levi made sure to tell Eren what he was doing, feeling guilty somehow, even though there was no reason for it.  He declined to go inside, and they talked on the porch, more space between them than strictly necessary.  She gave him a few things he'd forgotten in the move, a half dozen books and some flash drives of pictures, and relayed messages from friends he didn't keep in touch with anymore.  The silence was loaded, and after awhile she finally got to the real reason he was there.  Told him one of her coworkers from the lab was moving in with her, and looked at him expectantly, as though wary of his reaction.  Levi smiled, and it took a few moments before he realized he was toying with his fingers, just like Eren did when he was nervous.  _Oh, shit._   He felt stark relief rush through him.  Levi hadn't known until that moment just how worried he'd been that he'd left Hange broken.  But she was moving forward, and that had him sighing, relaxing into himself.  Breathing with all of his lungs, muscles of his shoulders going loose.

"I'm happy for you, Hange.  I want you to be happy.  You deserve it."  He meant it, with every fiber of his being, every bone in his body.  _God,_ he wanted her to be happy.  Still loved her, in that familiar, platonic way.  Always had. Always would.

Then she shattered his temporary peace with words that were meant to be kind, a smile on her face.

"You did the right thing, Levi.  Cutting ties with that boy.  He came by here last summer looking for you."  She watched his expression melt away from subdued contentment into  something almost hostile.  He could feel it, the harsh lines of his mouth, brows furrowing together.  Her own grin faded, and he was speaking before he could stop himself.  Not that he would have stopped, anyway.  They'd been through so much already, there was no room left in his mouth for lies, or half truths.  Shook his head, keeping eye contact with her the whole time.

"I didn't cut ties with him.  He lost my number.  I'm not on Facebook, no one had my contact information.  I finally got in touch with him in August.  We don't see each other, but we still talk.  We..."  He hesitated, then decided, _fuck it._   All or nothing, and Levi had endured far too much nothing over the last year.  He'd done all he could, and he did not owe Hange anything now.  Levi would bear his guilt, and wear his regrets on his sleeve, but he would not let anyone else dictate his life.  He refused to be ashamed.  "We're just waiting until he graduates, Hange.  He's moving in with me when the semester starts, in my place over by the university.  I wasn't going to bring it up, honestly.  Didn't seem like the best time."  Hange stared, mouth open just a little, and the easy atmosphere between them evaporated instantly.  

"You're serious."  Levi nodded, but then that didn't feel like enough.

"Completely."  She stood up, though it didn't really seem like she was aware of the movement. Gestured angrily with her hands, though her voice sounded strangely calm.

"You're going to move in with a high school kid, who you haven't even seen in a year.  You don't even know him."  Levi shrugged.

"He graduates next month.  When he moves in, he'll be a college student, technically.  And I know him very well."  Biblically, even.  Hange was wide eyed, shell shocked, and the complete disbelief on her face pissed Levi off, suddenly.  He stood up as well, picking up the bag she'd gotten ready for him and slinging it over his shoulder.  "Hange, why do you care?  You just told me you're boyfriend is moving in with you.  I thought you were past all this."  Hange looked at Levi like she'd never seen him before.  As though he was a stranger, materializing on her porch out of mist and fog.  It was painful, that face he'd loved so long falling on him blankly.  It hurt somewhere between Levi's ribs, down where his lungs met his guts, and he'd never felt the urge to throw up as strongly as he did in that moment.  

Two people who knew each other so intimately they could pick the other out of a crowd blindfolded, and that is what they'd been reduced to.  Strangers. 

"I think you should go."

Levi thought so, too, and he left without another word.

That urge he had to vomit was back, months later, one that started in his groin and crawled up his stomach to swirl in his abdomen.  He'd come to graduation yet again, not to watch his students this time, but his lover.  Just the idea was enough to get his hands shaky, like everyone would look at him and know somehow.  Levi stood at the very front of the stadium, hands in his pockets as he leaned into the railing.  Eren hadn't seen him there, but the way those bright eyes scanned the crowd, it would  only be a matter of time.  Finally they caught on him, lighting up, and Levi couldn't fight the smile that crept over his face.  Eren grinned impossibly wide, and his hand twitched up to wave before he caught himself.  Blushed, and Levi could see it even from so far away.  Wanted to touch it, feel the heat of it on his fingers.  Soon.

He would feel it soon.

...................................

Eren drove to the apartment on his own,  showing up not long after Levi did.  He didn't knock.  Unlocked the door himself, eyes wrenching shut as it swung open, frozen in place.  Levi watched him let out a shuddering breath before stepping inside, dropping his bag on the ground and closing the door behind him.  Then his eyes fell on Levi, who stood a few feet away, feeling shy suddenly for some stupid reason.

"You did good, Eren.  I'm proud of you.  Congratulations."  There were more words stuck in Levi's throat, something about Eren spending graduation night with his friends, his sister.  People his age, some of whom he would probably never see again. But there was no point in speaking them, really.  Both of them knew better.  Levi expected the brunet to fall on him immediately, all desperate hands and hungry mouths, but he did not.  Walked over to Levi slowly instead, biting his bottom lip.  When he was close enough, he reached out and ran a thumb across Levi's cheek, fingers threading into his hair.

"I missed you, Levi."  Levi blinked through the sting in his eyes, clearing his blurred vision.  Smiled, absurdly huge.  Conspiratorially.  Mischievously.  It felt as though they were getting away with something, somehow.

"Me too."  There it was, that flush painting Eren's cheeks, and Levi laid a palm across it.  Warm.  Eren was so fucking _warm._   Something broke between them, and Eren picked Levi up as though he was weightless, moving towards the hallway.    Levi wrapped his legs around the boy's waist, nuzzling into his throat, breathing that scent in from the source.  Eren paused mid-stride, glancing between the three closed doors there with uncertainty.

"Bedroom?"

"On the left."

They were through the door in a flash, falling on the bed in tangle of limbs, and all that desperation he'd been expecting before surged up over them.  Eren whined when he kissed Levi, tearing off his clothes, heat pulsing through the man's veins as the brunet laid him bare.  Levi felt like he was doing all this for the first time, a bubble of anticipation filling up his chest until it seemed like he might burst. Hands shaking Levi worked open the buttons of Eren's shirt, and he shed it without missing a beat.  Now they were skin on skin, and Eren's fingers were clutching at Levi hips, bruising and unmerciful. He ground their lengths together, both of them moaning at the contact. 

It was all a blur of motion after that, Eren pressing inside Levi first with fingers, then with all of himself. The drag of skin, the heat of their lips, the sting of teeth. The smell of sweat and sex rising in the air around them, everything awash with lust. Eren marked Levi's throat, mouthing up blue and purple hickeys all along the pale flesh there. Again and again, and Levi's students were going to make fun of him relentlessly, but he wouldn't cover them up. Not with make up, or with clothing. Levi wanted to wear this boy's love etched in his body, even when Eren was miles away. He smiled as the brunet sucked bruises into his chest, and the inside of his thighs. Scraped nails down Levi's back, bit down into his bottom lip.

By the time they had gone still and soft and sated, Levi was a disaster. Mouth raw, hips sore, thighs quivering with the slightest motion, and Eren had to help him stagger to the bathroom before they both fell back into bed together. 

There were euphoric tears in Eren's eyes when Levi pulled the blankets up around them, and they whispered out _I love you's_ against each other's hair, coiled together in the dark of the room.

Eren woke him up a handful of hours later, spreading his thighs with strong hands, and Levi fell open for him without hesitation. The boy was almost frantic, breathing ragged as he took Levi again, and he had to run long fingers through those russet locks and whisper low to calm him down.

_"It's okay, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm with you."_

_I'm with you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: This fic was originally going to be a 100 percent angst fest. In my original outlines for this story before I actually began writing, Eren died in this chapter. He got into a car wreck on his way to Levi's house, and passed away in the hospital once Levi arrived there. The next chapter, which is the last one, was originally going to be Eren's funeral. (Don't worry, it's not anymore, no more angst to be had here. Happy babies all around) But then I couldn't do it, I wanted the ereri's happy, so I changed direction a bit.
> 
> You're welcome. lol


	7. Ocean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year later, short epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weary traveler, calloused and sore  
> Time and gravity followed you here  
> Rest my sister and tell me all about the ocean
> 
> I've never seen the ocean  
> Not like this one
> 
> Weary traveler, calloused and sore  
> Time and gravity followed you here  
> Rest my brother and tell me all about the ocean
> 
> Spoils and trophies and burdens you’ve bore  
> Pay them no mind, they matter no more  
> Leave them behind and show me all about the ocean
> 
> Look in your eyes  
> I've never seen the ocean  
> Not like this one
> 
> Deep in your eyes  
> I've never seen the ocean  
> Not like this one
> 
> Show me your eyes  
> I've never seen the ocean  
> Not like this one
> 
> Look in your eyes  
> I've never seen the ocean  
> Not like this one
> 
> -Puscifer, Oceans (green mussel remix)

There was sand in Levi's hair.  Dusted over his skin, grainy and wet, his toes curling into it as he arched up desperately and let out a ragged breath.  The sounds of the tide swallowed his moans, and even if their little stretch of beach hadn't been deserted, no one would've been able to hear.  No one besides Eren, who was grinding down against him, mouth rough on Levi's throat as it so often was.  Levi's nails raked down the boy's tanned back, both of them still wearing their swim trunks, and Eren's skin shimmered beautifully as the sun fell low in the sky.  Levi's was pink already, even after only a couple of days under the summer skies, and he would probably regret spending all those hours with Eren playing in the waves.  But that would be tomorrow.  In that moment, with Eren's mouth sliding up over his jaw, teeth snagging Levi's bottom lip...

Levi regretted nothing.

He rolled them over until Eren's back was pressed into the sand, licking at the boy's tongue with a wanton groan, and when the brunet's hands slid up his spine to press Levi closer his eyes wanted to roll back in his head.  Levi was losing himself here, in the smell of the ocean and the warmth of the tide that lapped at their feet.  Losing himself in Eren, in damp russet hair and strong arms and bright eyes that looked just like the sea.  They needed to head back to the beach house, because Levi wanted to be naked underneath Eren without worrying about who might see.  Not because they had to hide anymore, but because Eren was _his,_ and he didn't want to share the sight of him with anyone else.  He was Levi's, and only he was allowed to look into those fucked out eyes, or see his kiss swollen lips.  The face he made when he finished inside of Levi, mouth falling open, brows furrowing together...

It was perfect, and every time he saw it, Levi fell in love again.

Eren must have been thinking the same thing as Levi then, because he rolled them again and stood up, pulling Levi into his arms bridal style.  Levi had stopped protesting the way Eren manhandled him a long time ago, and now he sank against his chest with a sigh, watching  the colors play out on the horizon as his lover carried him towards the house.

An entire year after they'd gotten together, and Levi was so happy it hurt sometimes.  His cheeks when he smiled too long watching Eren study, or sleep, or play video games.  In his chest when they came together, all heat and want and so much affection Levi could feel it in his bones.  An ache he welcomed with open arms, and Eren didn't wake up in a panic anymore, grasping at Levi, terrified he was alone again.  Now Levi got up in the mornings and disentangled himself from Eren's limbs, shaking out the tingles that came from having someone so heavy sleep almost on top of him.  Levi made breakfast, and only when the smells of food drifted through their apartment would Eren get up, wandering into the kitchen with his hair a mess, rubbing at his eyes like a toddler.  

He'd done so well in his first two semesters at school that Levi couldn't help but feel proud, and as soon as his last classes wrapped up they were on their way to the ocean.  Eren had never seen it before, and Levi wished he'd recorded the kid's face when he saw those waves the first time.  Even without a picture, it would be burned into Levi's memory forever.  

Hange had called Levi the first night they were there, for the first time in months.  Wrapped up with Eren's skin pressed into his, sleepy eyes blinking at Levi, it was easier to answer than he'd expected.  She asked to talk to Eren, and after receiving a hesitant nod from him, Levi handed over the phone wordlessly.  He only spoke a few words, and when Levi asked what she said Eren wouldn't answer.  But he was smiling, even if he looked like he wanted to cry, and he told Levi that everything was fine. _Better than fine,_ he'd said, and Levi left it at that.

There was a ring in Levi's bag, hidden inside where Eren couldn't find it, and he hadn't expected to actually need it on their trip. Hadn't expected to, but then Eren's eyes swallowed him whole, and his hands felt like home inside of Eren's own, and his life was nothing without this boy.

He'd drag Eren out of bed at sunrise tomorrow, and kneel down in the waves. And Eren would say yes, and Levi would never let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're done here, I hope you guys enjoyed the ride. Please go listen to [Oceans, by Puscifer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0MdxW2U4gk) And let me know what you thought of my fic.


End file.
